I recently turned the big 4-O, and to be honest I was totally not ready for it. I know that it’s just a number and people might think I’m silly to feel this way. However, I have had certain ideas in my head on how my life’s going to be like when I’m 40, and of course things don’t always work out as planned. Therefore, with this milestone age comes with some anxiety, some anger, and perhaps even some regrets…
I regret that we (my husband and I) have not traveled more when we were younger. I’ve always had a bit of that wanderlust in me since I was young. I’ve always dreamed of being able to travel and see the world. Heck, I even moved to a foreign country on my own when I was 17 just so I can have a different life experience. And I think that decision has worked out well since that foreign country has been where I call home for more than 2 decades now. Although, looking back, we have had the opportunity to see more of the world when we first got married (we got married one year after college). However, given the circumstances at the time, the decisions we made led us back to more schooling and to focus on building our careers instead. I guess that’s due to how we were raised. You go to college, then you get a job/career, so you can start a family. Nothing wrong with that of course, but I wish I knew then what I know now, that it’s perfectly fine to take a few years to experience what this amazing world has to offer when you are still young and free.
Don’t get me wrong, I really do have a happy life. I have the greatest husband in the world and two beautiful children. We have stable jobs that put food on the table and our own house to call home. We are your ‘traditional’ American family living an ordinary life. But maybe that’s just it, ordinary. What if I want something more?
For a long time now I’ve been feeling that something is missing. We go to work everyday, trying to provide for our family, making sure the kids do well at school and do their homework. We enroll them in extracurricular activities and take family vacations once in while. And…repeat. It’s so easy to fall into this busy yet repetitive routine that I can’t help but wonder if this is all there is ever going to be? You might judge me, call me ungrateful or selfish. But is it really wrong that I want a bit more extraordinary in my life?
Perhaps I wouldn’t have all these mixed emotions if I could satiate some of my wanderlust. And that’s where the anxiety comes in, the ugly reality, the fact that we are not where we would like to be financially. We are bogged down by debts (student loans, mortgage, car payments, etc.), and now with 2 kids in tow, it’s that much more difficult to travel often. Additionally, since I moved here alone all those years ago, I now have a pair of aging parents on the other side of the world who start to have health issues. I’m angry at the situation and my inability to be with them.
Maybe this is just a phase I’m going through, or maybe one day I will eventually find that missing ‘something’. But what I do know is that 2016 is a year of change and new adventures. Regardless of what I am searching for, I am going to do my darnest to make true on what my daughter said to me – 40 and Fabulous!